I'm Getting Some Stimulus Money

Seeing as how the good president is helping us get out of the hole that that other guy put us in, I signed up and got me some stimulus monies.

Now the president didn't just hand it to me or sneak it into my bank account, I had to actually work getting that money by telling the government what I needed it for and write it down and all and then send it to some fancy-dancy lawyer office to qualify for that money. I could have got a job but this seemed easier and all so I went this route.

What I propose to do with my hunk of stimulus money is to write and produce a tv series for Fox Network. They aren't real picky about facts and stuff so I figured they was the people to go to for crime committing entertainment since the folks over at Fox have the latest and most up to date criminals a person could ask for.

See the premise (that's fancy Hollywood and Fox talk for what the show is going to be about) is that a lot of people over in Texas and Arizona don't really understand law , rights and all that foolish legality of going to court and whatnot.

Arizona people want to run up and get in your face asking for your "papers" if you are dressed irregular like (not wearing , dress shoes, black socks, red plaid shorts, an orange shirt, a billed cap saying "Your Papers Please" and carrying one of those money belts up under your shirt) while the Texas folks by and large want to just shoot you for being in Texas without a valid reason.


Anyway the stimulus show I'm writing and producing will star Pat Boone and Chuck Norris as two gay lawmen who get into wacky situations where the misunderstand what's going on and start kicking the living fire out of innocent people. They start each show out with a prayer (a short tasteful prayer saying "Please let Fox pick this up for 13 more episodes so we can afford to talk big about birth certificates and stuff). Anyway back to the show premise (there's that big word again), each week Pat or Chuck will go undercover and get the scoop on Internet crimes like having multiple screen names, putting one's zip code in one's screen name, gossiping, insulting people of other religions, colors and dress styles, threats of shutting down boards, shooting off one's mouth using the F-Word and some nudity if it serves the purpose of keeping people watching the show.

The show's name at this point I think will be named after me and called "John Doe Warrant Adventures" simply because I like to see my name all the time.

Of course each week Chuck and Pat will teach the viewing public something about laws and how laws work. Pat will drive the fast car (if we can get Hyundai to donate a car for the show) and he'll be sort of the simpleton who loves tattoos and leather stuff while Chuck will be the legal beagle worrywart trying to make sure Texas and Arizona law is brought to the heathen 48 other states of America.

The first week they will deal with some zip code freak who goes around talking big about such things as "John Doe Warrants" (ain't it funny how that worked out?). Anyway Chuck will kick the living daylights out of the zip code freak while he explains that a John Doe Warrant is something secured in cases where some crazy fellow went around murdering, raping the livestock and pillaging innocent terrorists from other countries (mostly Mexico, Iran and those camel countries). Chuck will explain that a John Doe Warrant is where you get the guilty party's DNA (Chuck just jerks a handful of their hair out while he's kick-boxing the older foreign looking terrorists). Then the DNA is taken back to the secret office where people with white coats walk around staring at dead bodies (terrorists probably from Arizona because their heads are missing) and testing their own pee to see if the drugs they ingested last night will show up should they be drug tested today.

Where was I? Oh the show. Well that's a sneak peek at the first episode and I'm trying to get Sarah Palin to make a cameo appearance so she can throw her support behind this show and insure that it lasts more than one episode.

There are no women in the cast so far other than the ones walking around in white coats staring at dead bodies and checking their own pee and I'm thinking of building viewer loyalty by having those women not wear underwear and have to get bodies out of the lower doors of the big fridges they keep lunches and dead bodies in until they can me John Doe Warranted.

I think it will be a big hit for Fox. Maybe Glenn Beck will make a guest appearance showing the money trails and whatnot. Maybe Glenn and Pat Boone will have a brief affair or fling but I'm still working on my premises.

Oh I forgot to say that there will be a really good soundtrack (that's tv-talk for music) to go with each episode and I think that the very first episode with feature that long ago favorite "Children of The Sun" by Billy Thorpe because as a rule those Texas and Arizona people get way too much sun for their own good.

See what you think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voAR07ezBts&feature=related